i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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