I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
