i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
