Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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