Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
