if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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