sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
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