I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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