the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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