Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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