Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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