i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
