Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
