Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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