if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
