I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Randomize
