Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
