I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
