I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
