I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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