the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
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