i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
