And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
