And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
