Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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