win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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