the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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