What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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