I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
