I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
