Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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