I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
