he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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