I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
