News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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