I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
