Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
