Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
