Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
