he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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