I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
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