Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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