Your mouth is God's brothel.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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