I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
