The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
