was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
