She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
This toilet bowl is my home.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
