was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
