Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
