I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
