Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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